[janeeb]

Just to add.....

Most schools do have some sort of ID system so really you are aiming to convince them that you can improve on the current one they have ( and, importantly, the one they will have thought was a brill idea of theirs in the first place!). They know about the importance of security and controlling 'strangers' on school premises so I would advise not explaining this to them at all costs!!

Jane

[Calibre Designs]

Pete -

The content did grab me but I didn't get into it until I reached he second paragraph. I agree with some of the points made above, your first sentence must send a message "Must Read". As a parent, I am always concerned for the safety of our kids so I would be interested to read on.

Put their advice into practice and you will get it right.

It was a really good read so you are not far off. Very good submission indeed.

Kay

[Carbon Neutral Copy]

Morning Pete

If you PM me your email address, I'll fire over some questions that would be useful to know the answers to before I have a look at your article.

Vicky

[admagic]

You seem to be making a lot of serious mistakes.
In fact you are missing most of the things which make letters like this work

!/ - theres no headline or attention grabber
Why should I bother to read this???

2/- theres no offer - nobody will respond because you have given them nothing to respond to.
At very least ask them to register on your website with a photo, and you will send them a pass? that gets them
on your optin database


3/ You havent proved value - why is your solution such incredible value??

4/ You havent said why YOU! why is this so much better than any alternative?

5/ - theres no reason given for why now...so why should they act now - that is a must do in copy.

6/ - theres no call to action

7/ - theres no testimonials.... comments from police/whatever for credibility

8/ you havent fired their imagination just imagine you were sat next to them with a coffee, and write what you would
say...it needs to be much more chatty and less formal

By the way....those are all the things that make an ad work!!!

If I were doing this , I would use an attention grabber.
I would rip a set of recent stories out of the paper about school intruders, make
acollage and put it as a ripsheet on the top of the letter with a powerfulheadline
eg
YOU COULD BE NEXT


I might even use a lottery ticket - as the attention grabber and use the theme that they are taking a hell of a gamble!!

I would also create a ebook or VID of the top 20 things that you can do to reduce the chance of intruders -- just a way to get them to sign up with you.

[pvcprinting]

WOW.......Thanks

What a truly stunning piece of work
You may have noticed that my background is not in either sales or indeed marketing

Thank you for a concise review

Regards

Pete

[Andy Trish]

Agreed Pete, good report admagic