[pvcprinting]

Right...thats me spent for a little while
hope your feeling a little better Fuzzy

[pvcprinting]

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

[Andy Trish]

A man and his ever nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead, I just can't take that chance."

[Andy Trish]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,

It's the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top

[Andy Trish]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[Andy Trish]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense.
Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and don't give me a ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, Sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says 'Do ye want me to stop, OR just slow down?'
Remember that when you drive in Glasgow .

[RayB]

Moved to time Out as agreed

[pvcprinting]

I so much likethe decour better here than there
the coffee is nicer also....still no biscuits here

[pvcprinting]

A man came back from a party very drunk and just as he was creeping in by the front door he heard his wife moving upstairs. 'Oh - oh,' he thought, 'she mustn't think I've been drinking. I know, I'll pretend I've been reading all evening.' So he put the plan into action, went into the sitting-room and sat down. After a few minutes the door opened and his wife peered in. 'What do you think you're doing?' she asked. 'Reading, dear, just reading.' 'Shut up, you drunken idiot,' said the wife. 'Now close that suitcase and come to bed.'

[pvcprinting]

A drunken man at a party went up to a strange woman and embraced her clumsily. She slapped his face. 'I'm so sorry,' he said, 'I thought you were my wife.' 'Huh,' said the woman, 'You'd be a fine husband to have. Just look at you - a drunken, clumsy, disgusting brute.' 'Good heavens,' said the drunk, 'you talk like her, too.'